Oh…What A Night! Part One.

Oh….What A night!

Part One

I left work early last night and picked up my sandwich ready to indulge in an early dinner on the way to the Theatre in Richmond, London.

To say I was excited was an understatement-I had not been to see a play in so long!

However the night, of course, was not to go entirely to plan..

First off the train was packed, when I mean “packed” I mean I was actually pressing my nose against another mans armpit that started to sweat through his work shirt. As if this was not enough he decided half way through the journey to remove the jacket covering the pit stain and horrendous stench that was to follow. This was on the right side of my head, the other was pressed against a barrier so hard that I still (24 hours later) have the dent on my forehead.

When you are in so much discomfort and you can barely move you start to lose the sense of humour you embarked on the journey with.

I was clearly not alone in this.

There must have been at least 3 arguments that errupted during this eventful journey. One that ended in the weirdest way I have ever experienced:

Imagine you are trying to get on to the train and a woman gets on pushing you out of the way. The gentleman it happened to was obviously not happy and immediately said ‘that was rude’ at this gave him a look of nothing. Yes that is right nothing, expression less. For the next 5 minutes she continues to stare at the gentleman as he continues to express his hatred for rude people. Just when you thought it was her turn to retort, she turns around takes a deep breath and says ‘your hot‘ (Not hot as in warm, hot as in good looking)

Now this man was neither hot nor ready for this particular reply. In fact he was so confused he was lost for words. Another gentleman shouted over the squished crowd:

Mate, that is quite a compliment, I would take it if I were you‘. To which the entire carriage nodded before turning their heads and trying not to catch the attention of anyone near them for fear of another argument or god forbid an conversation might actually start.

We were more than half way and while my head was still gouged between a metal pole and a sweating armpit, I tried to imagine the cold air and the feeling of being free I was about to experience in just under six minutes (I was counting).

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Suddenly I noticed that it was not just the right side of my face that was starting to feel a little wet. As I tried to turn around (which was not easy at all..imagine a lot of disgruntled faces all staring at me) the man on the other side of me was starting to look rather pale, bordering on ghostly white. His face covered entirely in sweat. He looked like he was suffering.

What do you do in that situation where you can barely move yourself let alone help him in any way.

We were in the middle of the tracks, so to stop the train would have been death to all passengers.

I offered him some water.

This is the water that I had basically drained already. There must have been 2cm left and even then the bottle was the type that you suck through your front teeth.

Whilst I thought I was being kind, it took me five minutes to realise that I was basically trying to get a poorly man to drink the water that contained all of my saliva. The bottle that he had seen me sucking at all throughout the journey so far. Needless to say his expression was disgusted.

As always I panicked and decided to try and rectify the situation, which in my terms meant quickly making another excuse as to why I was offering the bottle, and praying that the second excuse would sound much better than the first.

“The bottle is still cold, you could use it against your head”

I was proud of myself. Not only had I found another excuse for offering the man my disgusting already used bottle of water, but I had (I thought) come up with a perfectly good excuse. So why was the gentleman still looking at me with an air of utter comtempt?

Perhaps offering a bottle to hold against your head is not the best idea I had ever had, but it was better than offering him my saliva infested water. At least I was trying.

I got to the second stop and breathed a sigh of relief.

Finally I could breathe and smell the fresh air.

Now my night could really begin.

Time to enjoy….or not!

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